Unfiltered Emotions

I have been told multiple times that my faith is inspiring, but I don’t feel strong or inspiring. I type out the updates on Brock convinced that no one cares to read about my sad, messy heart anymore. Each day I walk in to see Brock hoping he will be back to “normal” again and I can shout from the roof tops how great God is. Instead Brock and I have the same frustrating argument over where he is. I inform him that he is at the rehab hospital and he looks at me in disbelief convinced he is at the beach. It is exhausting and leaves me wondering, how did I get here? I don't doubt God's goodness, but I question. This wasn’t the predicted outcome, the doctors weren’t anticipating this.The kids are struggling, one has the same reoccurring nightmare that they will never see me again, and the other one’s emotions are all over the spectrum. I have debated on putting a “come back later” sign on my life, hiding out until after the holidays, and allowing life to pass me by while I sit in my grief. I know it wouldn’t be healthy for the kids or I, but its how I feel. We shouldn’t be ashamed of our raw, hard, sometimes ugly feelings. Our emotions are a gift from God and Jesus felt each one of our emotions and can sympathize. The issue is when our feelings become dictators instead of just indicators. Feelings weren’t created to be our driving force. Love, Joy, Faith are not always feelings, but purposeful choices.

I don’t think Daniel felt happy about getting thrown in the lions den but he CHOOSE to have faith over fear. I doubt Paul felt like singing praises in prison after being beaten but, it was a conscious CHOICE. I am choosing to praise God through the storm, not because I feel like it but because I have tasted and seen God’s goodness. Faith walked me through my mom’s cancer journey, hope held me while a loved one was taken too soon, and trusting in God’s timing allowed see my way through to my rainbow baby. Choosing faith doesn’t make the pain go away, but it brings hope. The storm still rages but I don’t need to see the victory to believe it's coming.

It has been a little over a week now in rehab and I wanted details. I can appreciate that everyone is different in the healing process making it hard to give an exact timeline, but I needed something more then ‘time’ and ‘patience’. I asked specifically where Brock would be on a scale of memory deficiency. Moderate? Mild? The tumor was pushing on the episodic memory and removing the tumor obviously effected this portion of the brain. Brock would get labeled as currently having a severe memory deficiency. Right now the episodic memory is getting flooded with any and all memories. He has to go back through and sort through each memory putting it in the correct spot. Hence when you ask him, “where are you?” he will responded with a logical yet incorrect answer. A real place he has visited or seen but still not accurate. The doctor asked me to take his phone this week as he had a late night hankering for pizza so he called a pizza shop at the beach to order some food. They just started him on Ritalin to help him focus and be more attentive. So when asked “where are you?” instead of spouting the first thing he thinks of, he will instead stop, process, and then respond. The main three goals they would like to see Brock accomplish before discharge are, 1- no more one on one patient assistant needed. Currently Brock has someone in the room with him at all times because he can’t be trusted alone. 2- walk independently, including showering and using the restroom unsupervised. 3- sustained attention, our cognitive thinking is built on attention and our ability to focus. The doctor is having difficulty regulating Brock’s hormones. The combination of losing his pituitary gland function and the possibility of a lack of oxygen to the brain post surgery is making it difficult to predict a recovery timeline. The team goal is to have Brock home in time for Christmas. Home does not mean driving or back at work but it does means reunited as a family. Giving the kids an end-date to the rehab hospital stay was HUGE, they can anxiously decorate and prepare their gifts for daddy, but most of all see him face to face!

How can you join us in prayer? Wisdom for the doctors to find the correct medication to balance Brock’s hormone levels and continued healing for his memory. Strength, peace and comfort for myself as I wear many hats and that I would also find favor with Brock’s providers. That God would give the kids words to express their feelings and turn their worry and fear into faith.

Praise: Brock briefly remembered he was at the hospital and was able to focus for 55 minutes durning speech therapy instead of the normal 45 minutes when he would get a bad headache and need to stop.