Sweetly Broken.

I am surrounded by people but yet still feel alone. An irreplaceable half of me is absent, and I see doctors and nurses more then my own kids. Sadly I am on a texting basis with Brock’s healthcare providers. Brock and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary on November 2nd and were together but yet he wasn’t present. He couldn’t remember if we were married or dating. I used to think grieving was what you did when someone died, and was reserved for singular events like funerals or death. Through various trials in my life I learned that grief is multidimensional, and I am grieving. Brock has exceeded every estimate of time given to us. A 4 to 7 day hospital stay is going on two weeks. Days to weeks for his memory to come back is now weeks to months. I want to sit in my grief and lament, and I don’t want to be told to “find the bright side” or “look for the positive”. I want to feel the current reality and the loss of my hopes for our family. Our baby girl turns one next week, and although she won’t know her birthday party will be postponed, I will and it hurts. I am not without hope. l am however wrestling between grief and trust, struggling but still believing. There is a difference between complaining to God and grieving with God. I enjoy the clouds and rainy commutes to the hospital because I feel as though God is crying with me. He could take this struggle away but He sees the full picture while I just see a bunch of shattered pieces. I have seen God turn my heartache into praise before and I’m believing for it again. For now, I am going to grieve. My tears are not due to distrust or weakness, but they are allowing God to heal my broken heart.

We are still at the hospital. Almost all the details were set and the doctors approved Brock to be discharged to the rehabilitation facility on Wednesday November 3rd, but when I arrived at the hospital things took a turn. Yesterday morning (November 3rd) his heart rate jumped to 180 when he stood up and remained on the high side all day. He was lethargic and would mumble his speech. The loss of his pituitary gland function is causing his hormones to fluctuate and his body is struggling to retain fluid causing him to be slightly dehydrated. Discharge has been postponed. Today (November 4th) he has been running a low fever and his bloodwork shows an elevated white blood cell count. They are doing a full work-up ( blood culture, chest x-ray, ultrasound, etc.) to see if they can pinpoint a cause for the elevated numbers. The new CT scan came back clear which means there is no sign of stroke or bleeding in the brain. Everything is healing nicely. The doctor believes the elevated blood count and fever could be either fluid in the lungs or a blood clot. Brock is more awake and talkative today and does not need prodded to open his eyes like yesterday, praise Jesus.

I spoke with the Neurosurgeon earlier in the week about what to expect as he regains his memory back. Will his personality change? Will he make a full recovery mentally? The surgeon said in his 6 years of doing this type of tumor removal he has only ever had one other patient lose their memory, and that was because the patient had a minor stroke. Brock is his first patient to lose his short term memory with no signs of injury in the brain. We have no timeline, just a lot of waiting. We live in an instant society, so this was a hard pill to swallow. I mean if it’s not free two-day shipping then why even bother, right? I don’t want time. I want a magic pill, but a magic pill doesn’t exist. Instead I along with everyone else praying will plead with the great physician, creator and sustainer on Brock’s behalf. I will worship through pain.

Next steps? Brock will be going to a local rehabilitation facility, but an exact discharge date is still pending. I will be the only one allowed to see him during his stay at the rehab center and it will be limited hours. His rehab doctor specializes in brain injuries, he even did his residency under Brock’s neurosurgeon. WAY MAKER.

How can you join us in prayer? Full recovery and healing for Brock. Patiences and peace for myself in the waiting, strength to wrestle through the heartache. Continued prayers for the kids, that this wouldn’t bring any worry or fear, but instead it would be a stepping stone for their faith to grow deeper.