I still believe.

Brock’s pending discharge day is December 9th. I have mixed emotions with the upcoming discharge date. The staff feels confident it is time for Brock to come home. They all believe he is getting too adjusted/acquainted to the hospital and that’s not healthy. The hospital is not his home and it’s not a place for him to get comfortable in. They feel he needs to be back in his reality, so he can attempt to wear the dad and husband hat. Brock has conquered two out of the three original goals. He no longer has one on one assistance and can walk without help, but the memory deficiency is a different story. Although Brock has made some progress, there is still a big gap in his episodic memory. 9 out of 10 times he can correctly tell you where he is, the rehab hospital, but that is about it. Wednesday (December 1st) his therapist brought him home for a home evaluation to see how he interacts with the kids and being at home with the chaos. Brock did great and he was able to talk with the kids and even fixed himself a glass of chocolate milk, which was refreshing to see. However when I asked him an hour and half later if he remembers coming home to see the kids he was shocked and had no recollection. His lunch tray was still sitting in front of him and I asked him what he had for lunch, clueless. Having Brock home full time next week will be a big adjustment. I was advised to lock cabinets, hide keys, create some sort of chart for him to mark off to remember that he ate breakfast and so on. Brock can not be left alone in the house. The brain injury doctor at the rehab facility is going to be sending a referral over for a possible consultation with a bigger brain specialist facility in hopes to get more answers. The doctors are still unclear on why Brock has such a severe deficiency in his memory. It has now been a little over 5 weeks since his surgery and the majority of improvement will take place within the first three months post surgery. I looked into the doctor’s eyes and asked “will I ever have my husband fully back?” and he responded “I don’t know.”

How do you grieve and process the pain when there is no escape from it? Every afternoon I go and visit a silhouette of my husband. My strong take charge man is missing and I am left picking up the pieces. I don’t have a choice but to push through. I pray for a better tomorrow while still accepting the brokenness of today. We are all chasing something, wealth, appearance, family, acceptance, but what happens when the things we built our life around crumble before our eyes? What happens when you wake up to a phone call that you have a brain tumor? There has to be more to life and it’s funny how tragedy becomes a mirror to our shortcomings. A deep ache in our soul that we were created for more than this world has to offer. When one of the kids were asked to create a picture of our family, daddy was missing. The therapist asked “where is daddy?” they replied “ I don’t know”. The unspoken words swirling around my own mind. Facing hardship without the Lord would be depressing, why push through? Job was a lawyer in the Old Testament and while he was at his lowest point he wrote a lawsuit against the Lord. He was a good man the Lord even called him “blameless and upright” and yet the Lord allowed Job to go through hell. After losing his house, children, income, and health the book of Job ends with Job praising the Lord. His eyes were opened to see that his suffering was part of a bigger plan and we still read about his story and find hope there thousands of years later. All Job could see was the desolation, but the Lord saw a testimony for generations. I am exhausted in every form of the word and it is not from a lack of help, but it is a deeper exhaustion. I have no mental space to read my Bible. I blare worship music and binge watch tv until late in the night. I feel as though I am sinking and yet somehow I still find the strength to put one foot in front of the other. Although I am tempted to file a lawsuit against the Lord, I know my suffering is dimensional and to dismiss it away would be to miss the resurrecting power of the Lord and testimonial beauty. I am frustrated with my reality and yet I am confident my misery is all part of a bigger plan. I serve a way-maker. He hasn’t taken the storm away but I know He could and that’s enough for today.

This picture is the first time our family was together in over 5 weeks. Look at the joy in the girls eyes.

How can you join us in prayer? Brock spent a late night at the ER this week for IBS, so prayers for healing of his bowels. Restoration of his memory and for a smooth transition home. Strength for myself to ask for help and for peace in the chaos as I take on the role of caregiver to my husband. Words for the kids to process this transition and emotional journey. Let our faith grow deeper than the fear knocking at our door.

Praise: I love cats and decided I wanted to surprise the kids with a new kitten. It would be our therapy kitty. I found the perfect one for our family located near Philly but the price was double my budget. I heard the Lord clear as day say to me “pray about this kitten with the kids” I quickly replied “NO, I can’t afford it and I don’t want to set the kids up for more disappointment!” As soon as I uttered this thought, it was clear as when the Lord spoke to my soul “ I want to show the kids my faithfulness”. Reluctantly I told the kids about this kitten and how it is double my budget, but we are going to pray about it. They were so excited and started picking names and I had to repeatedly remind them that we can’t afford it unless the Lord intervenes. I emailed the Lady and asked if she would take half the money and explained that this is going to be a therapy kitten for the kids as we are going through a tough time. She quickly replied and said she can’t do that specifically because it costs more than that to take the kitten for its health check up at the vet. I told her I understand and thanked her for getting back to me and decided to just keep praying with the kids. A couple days later out of the blue she reached out to me and agreed to sell it to me for half money. Way-Maker. After buying the kitten I wrote her a letter explaining more of our situation and that she was God sent. Lake informed me that Jesus gave him the perfect name for our new kitten, Lizzy. Curiosity got the best of me and I googled the meaning of Lizzy and it means God’s promises. Although God could take our pain away, the pain gives him an empty canvas to show his glory to his hurting children. His promises still stand, great is His faithfulness. God hears even the tiny whispers of a hurting heart for a kitten.