I Am Not Alone.

You are walking alongside us in the heat of this battle. Although I wish every update could be encouraging and uplifting, I want to be vulnerable and real in sharing our journey. It isn’t neatly tied with a bow, and quite frankly it’s exhausting and hard. I cling to God who isn’t just a God of the mountain top, but He is also a God who walks hand in hand with you in the valley. When life feels broken and shattered on the floor, He is there. On my drive into the hospital this morning, God brought to mind David, Joseph, Job, and many others in the Bible. David on the run for his life, Joseph thrown in prison on false accusations, and Job in dark agony waiting for the next tragedy to strike. We read their stories and know that a ‘happy’ ending is right around the corner. Their victory is a chapter or two away but they did not know that. It was a day-in-day-out grind of desperate prayers to God. A daily turn over of their reality in exchange for new mercies only God can give. If you're not familiar with these stories I encourage you to read them. They are more than just stories they are real people whose lives were sustained by their faith alone. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."Heb. 11:1

My comfort is found in their faith. As I recalled their stories, I found new hope. Their desperate prayers are now my battle cry to God. David cries out in Psalms 13, “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? … How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?”. There is a difference between complaining to God and lamenting. He longs to hear our messy heart and to hear I am weary. In my desperation He whispers hope to me and brings community to surround me. He doesn’t take the battle away, but He equips me to keep fighting. In the words of my brother, “Goliath pointed his sword at the wrong girl.”.

Brock continues to making progress, but is still disoriented. I talked today with the Neurologist and shared with him how I never expected Brock to be confused. He explained how the tumor was also pushing on the part of the brain that controls new memories. I was informed at previous visits that the tumor was near a lot of important areas of the brain, but never fully digested what all of that meant. What does new memories mean? Brock can remember who he is, his family, friends, where he lives and so on, those are all ‘old’ memories. The doctor compared it to the movie “50 first dates”. It is the here and now he can’t retain. Where he is, why he is here, what he ate 10 mins ago, or who visited him. The doctor said this is not the direction he anticipated, but the memory loss shouldn’t be permeant. The imaging showed no sign of stroke or damage in the brain so hypothetically it should come back. It may just take days or weeks for that to happen. Brock’s sodium level fluctuates and is still being closely monitored. He has been poked and prodded more times than I can count. In the beginning of this journey he passed out after getting a simple blood drawn and now he doesn’t even flinch. Every small victory counts.The pending discharge day is Tuesday, but today the doctor suggested to have Brock go to a rehabilitation facility to live in temporarily after he is discharged from the hospital. Although it was hard to hear those words, I know I am not capable to give him the care he needs at home and take care of our kids.

These past couple of days have been long and heavy, but I am not without hope. You have blessed us without being asked, finances, meals, cards, and the list goes on. Everyone has gone above and beyond. God whispered in your ear and you heard. Each one of you have been the gracious hands and feet of Jesus to us. We are without words, thank you!

How can you join us in prayer? Full recovery and healing of Brock’s brain and mind. Strength and comfort for myself in the waiting. Prayers for the kids, that this wouldn’t bring any worry or fear, but instead it would be a stepping stone for their faith to grow deeper.