Feelings or Faith?

I cried on the drive home from dropping Brock off at the rehabilitation hospital. I thought I would be rejoicing that we finally transitioned out of the hospital, but my heart was heavy. This was a step up the mountain but the journey to the top of the mountain still feels far away and daunting. Life just doesn’t feel fair right now. Why now? Why when the holidays are right around the corner? This is suppose to be ‘the most wonderful time of year’, my favorite season of all and yet I just want to hit the pause button on life. This isn’t suppose to be our story. This is the type of story you read about on social media that happens to a distant friend’s family. I can’t pretend these thoughts haven’t cross my mind and to deny them would be denying my feelings. I’m a christian, I go to church every Sunday, I read my bible, isn’t that suppose to be some sort of ‘anti-hardship’ insurance? If only. You can’t heal the broken places until you first take the time to acknowledge the brokenness. I want an answer to my ‘why’ questions, a cause and effect answer. Suffering rarely has a one liner answer. It is complex usually effecting more than just the sufferer. It is dimensional and to dwindle it down to a one line answer would be putting God in a box. Acceptance is hard, BUT it is vital for healing. I verbally cry out to the Lord letting him know how hard this is and how weak I feel. I tell him exactly how I feel unfiltered, but at the end of my prayer I always conclude by remembering his promises to us and I proclaim who HE is. He sees eternity while I see hours and days. I replace the racing thoughts with God’s word. I once asked a mentor of mine when will the hard go away? When will life be easy? She looked at me and said, "When you get to the top of the mountain and look out over your life you will see a bunch more mountains and valleys. BUT in each valley you will gain more strength to climb up the next mountain faster. Your faith and endurance will grow because of each trial.” God is a God of the valley, and He draws near to the brokenhearted. It is a shift of perspective, an openness to a God who sometimes comes dressed in a tattered robe of affliction. God doesn’t cause suffering, but He allows it because He uses it. I am far from perfect. I have my bad days were I am Peter, all I see is the storm, and I feel as though I am sinking. It is a constant battle in my mind on whether to trust feelings or Truth. However I have embraced the brokenness of the here and now and have faith for what is to come.

I have learned that faith is a choice not always a feeling. I will walk on water, maybe not now, but someday. I still believe God is healing more than just Brock’s brain on this journey.

I spoke with Brock’s rehab doctor on the phone, and he was able to update me on their goals for treatment. Their first goal is to get him good consistent sleep at night because the brain does the most healing while the body sleeps. The doctor also informed me of post-operative delirium which is common after any kind of brain surgery. He believes this may also be playing a role in Brock’s confusion. All of his head scans post surgery were clear of any injury, he is young, and doesn’t have a long list of health issues, each one of these things are in his favor giving him a higher chance of a full recovery. The doctor said on average it takes 90% of people post brain injury three months until they are completely back to ‘normal’. He will have physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy every day. After every week they will all sit down with his rehab doctor to update and revise his treatment plan and discharge date. At minimum they would like to keep him admitted for three weeks. Brock is currently dealing with diabetes insipidus due to his hormone imbalance. He is getting dehydrated so the IV team was called to place a PICC line to easily give him fluids. A PICC line is a type of catheter put in through the arm that goes to the chest. The doctor said he knows this is scary and hard but the best thing I can do is be patient. Although there was a lot of good news hearing the words ‘time’ and ‘patient’ was hard.

I feel alone but God brought to mind today how truly surrounded I am. I have been given gift cards for coffee to drink on the long days in the hospital, a cleaning lady to clean my house, our yard is being mowed for free, groceries were paid for and delivered to our house, delicious meals, a massage, money to help with medical bills, money even to take the kids out for a fun evening, and so much more. I don’t say all this to brag but to point to how great our God is and the community He brought to surround our family. There are not enough words to express just how grateful I am. Thank you!

How can you join us in prayer? Brock’s hormones to balance, his memory to be regained, and for him to be home in time for Christmas. Continued strength for myself as I lament, and for continued peace and comfort. That God would give the kids words to express their feelings, they are hurting and it's hard for them to verbally express it. Our son shared the other night that “talking about Daddy in the hospital makes tears come to his eyes”, he is seven so this was a HUGE step.

If you are going through a season of suffering of your own, a good book to read is the "Diamond of Adversity" by Robert Palmer. It is a book on the theology of suffering, I highly recommend it.