A Shift in Perspective

I am not looking forward to Brock coming home tomorrow (Thursday December 9th) and yet I have this unshakeable feeling that it is time for him to come home. Tomorrow will be 44 days in the hospital. I know it is time and it is an answer to prayer just not how I envisioned it. It sounds harsh to not want your husband home, but it’s how I feel as I prepare the house for his arrival. Walking into the store today to buy a lock box to keep things secure, safe, and out of reach from my husband felt like a ton of bricks. Searching online for how to make checklists and charts to put around the house is overwhelming. I am taking off the wife hat to put on a caregiver hat and it feels unfair. It’s easy to push through when you have a finish line on the horizon or an end date to the trial, but there isn’t one in sight. All I have is my faith and a surrendered heart to believe that God is still in control even though I feel out of control. Brock was a dreamer, he had a difficult time living in the present because he couldn’t wait for what’s next or the possibilities of what could be. He was driven and loved to push himself. I would have to constantly remind him that it’s great to dream but its the here and now that we are guaranteed not the future. This was part of the reason we spontaneously bought a camper this summer to take advantage of the here and now with the kids unknowingly what this fall would hold for not only him, but our whole family. However, these past couple weeks I find myself dreaming trying to escape my current reality. Dreaming of the day when we can go on vacation as a family, dreaming of going to an island for a delayed anniversary trip, and believing that there is more beauty to come than I could ever hope for or imagine. Until the day when I can see my dreams turn to reality, the girls and I will find daily beauty in the local coffee shop after school drop off for my therapeutic cup of coffee and their donut. It is these dreams in addition to your prayers that give me the strength to get out of bed each morning. God created us to dream and He cares about the desires of our heart and I have seen evidence of this time and time again. The problem is when we rely on ourselves and not God. We weren’t created to be independent we were created for community and a God-dependence. I struggle to ask for help and yet I know my limitations. God provided me with a community for such a time as this and I am going to humbly lean into it.

I am going to dream while I embrace walking blindly into Brock’s homecoming. I was recently told that I am so blessed. This caught me off guard as clearly my circumstances would argue quite the opposite, but it got me thinking. From a worldly perspective my situation would argue I am cursed, but from a Godly perspective I am rich. My world may be upside down but God never flinched, in fact he drew me closer and brought more gifts and people my way than I could have ever expected. Blessed is a change in perspective not a destination and faith is taking a step towards your giants. Your gifts, cards, messages, and encouragement to keep writing have been part of the unfiltered beauty. Spirit lead me into the unknown.

Brock has been sent to the ER twice within three days last week which makes his arrival home this week all the more unsettling. I sat down with the doctor yesterday (December 7th) to reevaluate his homecoming. The doctor still feels confident it is time for his release. They have done everything they can for him at this point. Brock is scheduled to start outpatient therapy two days a week to continue to work on his memory. Meanwhile the neurosurgeon and brain injury doctor are looking into other options for Brock. There is a new treatment that is still in the testing status that they are going to see if Brock would benefit from as well looking into other brain injury facilities. Until then our upcoming weeks will be filled with appointments and therapies as we settle into yet another new normal.

How can you join us in prayer? Restoration of Brock's memory, a smooth transition home, and for clear next steps. Strength, peace, and patiences for myself. Words for the kids to process this transition and emotional journey. Let our faith grow deeper than the fear knocking at our door.