A New Normal.
- alexisnhaller
- Mar 10, 2022
- 5 min read
I miss my husband. I wasn’t made for this.
My mind keeps going back to a verse in Genesis; the first time in the Bible that God said “it is not good.” The verse I’m referring too is Genesis 2:18 “It is not good for man to be alone.” He went on to create a spouse for Adam; not a parent or relative, but a husband and wife relationship. I don’t disregard the importance of family and community—it is a necessity—but there is something so special and intimate about the union of marriage. A part of me is just broken and doesn’t feel mendable. Little did I know that when Brock asked for a kiss before being wheeled back for surgery it would be a kiss goodbye. It’s going on five months now, and at some point I need to try and do more than just survive—but how do I? When I think about next steps … when I try to process how to keep moving forward…it feels impossible. How do you mend something you never thought would break? How do you move forward when all you want to do is hit the rewind button?
I didn’t want to leave California, not because of a new-found love for the state, but the simple thought of coming home to my reality felt like more than I could bear. The trip stirred up a lot of emotions, it was a beautiful escape and yet I still felt trapped. We had the weekend to explore the city and it was amazing. The kids and I saw so many beautiful things, but I missed the companionship of my best friend; My heart ached.
On the first day of treatment, we showed up at the clinic, eager to begin. After hours of sitting and waiting, the doctor informed us that for some unknown reason, the Australian computer system and their computer system were no longer communicating correctly. The next day (Tuesday March 1st) we went back and sat for two hours waiting/hoping to finally start treatment. In the suspense of waiting, we decided it was time to act—we called in the prayer reinforcement team, the ‘big guns’ if you will…the pastoral team at church. NOT TODAY SATAN. After a long morning of suspenseful waiting, the doctor was able to manually program the machine and start the first treatment! Instead of five treatments for five days, we upped it to six a day to try and get back on schedule. Brock handled the treatments like a champ. The electromagnetic pulses were painful and went in increments, three minutes and twenty seconds on each side of his head. Thanks to the new science of neuro-navigation, they were able to target two specific areas of the brain in hopes to stimulate the growth of neuroplasticity. Hypothetically, the stimulation will cause the growth of new neural networks and reorganization in the brain. Brock was their prodigy child, as this treatment was never used for a case like his. Now what? We wait. Two dreadful words. There are no guarantees or evidence to go off of, just hope. Over the next couple of days/weeks we should hopefully start to see some improvements. It will be gradual shifts. This week Brock gave a genuine smile for the first time in months; a small victory!
If you would have told past me that future me would be in communication with top neurologists and neurosurgeons in the world and getting asked to do a video interview to encourage other people with brain injury … I would have said “you’re crazy.” This isn’t the story I wrote for myself, my husband leads and I follow … I like it that way. He is the go-getter and I am the cheerleader in the background. I am having to fit into uncomfortable roles, too many hats to count and I am struggling to process it all.
That being said, this will be the last update for awhile; I am laying down the metaphorical pen. Writing is no longer an escape. It’s painful. It feels forced. There isn’t much more to say until we hopefully/prayerfully see some treatment results. Right now, my kids need a mom, and I need to at least attempt to try and figure out how to find a new rhythm. I refuse to believe this is my new reality, but at some point I need to start trying to live again as a married, yet single mom. I need to at least try for the three precious kids looking up to me for their security. If people get nothing else from our story, I hope they realize the importance of today. It is vital to plan for the future, but don’t let it overshadow the beauty of today. There is grace in the impromptu steps of faith. God’s grace was on full display in the spontaneous (not our normal character to be spontaneous) decision to buy a camper last summer and go on monthly camping trips. Those memories are ones I will forever cherish. “Faith is taking the first step, even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”
How can you join us in prayer? Continual healing for Brock. I found a new endocrinologist who deals specifically with hypothalamic brain damage, so please pray it will be the start of a great relationship. Prayers for the kids and I as we adapt and try to create a new normal while living in the in-between. Lord I believe, but please help my unbelief.
During counseling this week, we were talking about how uncomfortable my current situation is, not only for me personally, but also for those on the outside wanting to help but not sure how. I feel like I am walking on eggshells as I navigate the unknown, as do those I love who are around me trying to figure out how and what to do to help.
I wish I had a how-to manual for tragedy, but I don’t. All this is to say: everyone has been so creative in the ways they have surrounded us, letters in the mail, flowers at the door, surprise coffee drop offs, countless gift cards … it amazes me to see the hands and feet of Jesus at work in the community surrounding us. I am attaching a couple links for those looking for additional ways to help, I never want anyone to feel obligate. Below is our meal train sign up for those asking for the link, there is also a benefit concert coming up, and the link to field of hope which is a Christian organization who helps families facing unforeseen hardship (our family is one of the 2022 recipients).
Meal Train:
{The simple act of bringing a meal has made a HUGE impact and I can’t thank you enough!} https://mealtrain.com/702gr8
Benefit Concert:
Field Of Hope:
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